Insomnia

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 Rainstone settled into her nest, her mind filled with dark thoughts about what happened while she was patrolling. She didn’t blame anyone - how would they be able to understand what it felt like to be a former ShadowClan cat? She had been cruelly exiled by the ShadowClan leader, and had joined RiverClan after. Her Clanmates didn’t exactly trust her, and although none of them ever showed it, she could tell from their expressions. All of them tried to be nice. They would bring her prey sometimes, and treated her as a normal Clanmate. But that wasn’t enough. Rainstone also hoped for something more- a friend.

When the dark night makes everyone sleep, when they fall asleep

I can't sleep because of so many thoughts

Just expecting to come up with an idea

I wait until the morning sun wakes all up, wait

When I turn off all the lights, when I set the alarm

When I'm tired, worries come to my mind

When I look back on my day

''What should I do tomorrow? What? The alarm rings''

Rainstone let out a sigh for the millionth time that night. Her mind flicked back to the conversation she had with her Clan leader, Goosestar. He had told her that she belonged in RiverClan, and nowhere else. It was encouraging...but that didn’t stop Rainstone from not believing that she didn’t belong. None of her Clanmates doubted her loyalty. Except for herself.

It's complicated, don't worry about everything

When I wake up, everything will be gone

It's following me, even in my dream

But everything will be forgotten

Even if I try to forget them, they appear over and over

I don't want to be swayed anymore

Even if I grab the sheets and shout

In the end, I wake up again

The moon had fully rosen for a long time now. Stars glimmered in the sky. The gentle snoring noises of the other RiverClan warriors filled Rainstone’s ears, making her wish that sleep would come to her just as easily. Even in her nightmares, thoughts that she would never be a truly loyal RiverClan warrior echoed around her mind, like thunderous waves raging across the ocean...

I can't sleep

So tell me

Self doubt rang in her ears like the noises at a Gathering. Rainstone couldn’t ignore them. They were far too strong. Even though she knew deep down inside that she could be a good warrior, those thoughts were trampled over by her ShadowClan history, and hampered her from becoming the best RiverClan warrior she could be. Rainstone wondered if anyone would ever tell her what their honest opinion on her was. Did any cat really think that she would ever be able to become a good warrior?

I stay awake again tonight

Maybe tomorrow night, too

So tell me now, I’ll find a way

Tomorrow night too, there is no other way

I can’t sleep

Rainstone was far from falling asleep. Sleeping had never been easy, and it had already been a few days where she had no time to fall asleep and dream good dreams. When she did sleep, her dreams were filled with nightmares. If someone could tell her what she could do to improve, maybe she’d find a way. Except there might really be nothing wrong with the way she was acting, and it was all self doubt.

No way, all go away

I'm only sleepy at school, what can I do?

Go away, all be quiet, I'll just sleep, shh

I just want you to know

I can't take it anymore

I can't sleep when I have to

So tell me now

Was there no possible way at all for Rainstone to actually be a good and loyal RiverClan warrior? The thought rang through her head all day, all night, and forever. Sleep was far from arriving. The insomnia that kept her awake was never going to die, to fade away.

Well, it's complicated, don't worry about everything

When I wake up, everything will be gone

It's following me, even in my dream

But everything will be forgotten

Even if I try to forget them, they appear over and over

I don't want to be swayed anymore

Even if I grab the sheets and shout

In the end, I wake up again

Even if Rainstone closed her eyes shut and tried to think about literally nothing, she would always fail. Sleep would never claim her and take her to her peaceful calm dreams. When she did fall asleep, her dreams would be full of self doubt and nightmares anyways. Everything good she did- forgotten completely. Even if she tried to forget her former life in ShadowClan, they appeared over and over again. Though her dreams were depressing, she would always wake up. But the living world she woke up to was almost just as bad.

I can't sleep

So tell me

Rainstone was almost sure that if someone told her what she was doing wrong she would stop feeling so bad about herself. Other cats needed to realize that praising her would only feel like something was missing from the service she was giving to her Clan, and what would actually help was having a goal to aim for. But none of them would ever tell her she was doing anything wrong, or what in particular she was doing that they didn’t approve of. It was always that she was already a good warrior, and there didn’t have to be anything changed.

I stay awake again tonight

Maybe tomorrow night, too

So tell me now, I'll find a way

Tomorrow night too, there is no other way

I can't sleep

Giving up on sleeping again that night, Rainstone turned over. Her soft silver fur rested on the clean moss, and she closed her eyes in another desperate attempt to fall asleep. Surprisingly, sleep claimed her after lots of time passed by.

When I open my eyes in the morning and wake up

I hope I feel more relieved than before

Someday I hope it was a night with a good dream

Like the sun sleeping in the night sky

I want to sleep comfortably

For a brighter tomorrow

When she blinked open the sleep from her eyes the next day, she felt relieved that she had managed to sleep. She didn’t remember having any dreams, but still hoped that the dream was good. More than that, she wanted to sleep more comfortably the next time the sun rested while the moon shone down on the RiverClan camp. Today would be a brighter day, and perhaps tomorrow too.

I can't sleep

So tell me

So just tell me

Sleep still was hard for Rainstone. But at least she knew that she was trying. Even though it was hard for the wave of darkness to take over her and let her float peacefully into her dreams, she wasn’t tired during the day. She knew that eventually she would be too tired to carry on with her patrols, but as long as she would try her hardest and strive to be a great RiverClan warrior, things would be okay. Maybe she was already an average warrior. Maybe the only thing wrong with her was her insecurity for everything around her.

I stay awake again tonight

Maybe tomorrow night, too

So tell me now, I’ll find a way

Tomorrow night too, there is no other way

I can’t sleep

Rainstone stayed awake for the entire time the night following. It was almost the same as the endless nights before… except there was one change. She didn’t feel as insecure. She knew that she was trying her hardest to sleep. She also knew that she was a RiverClan warrior that fished, hunted, and patrolled. That was all StarClan asked of her. There wasn’t any other way to feel better about the cat she was than to actually believe that she was a good warrior. The only thing that stopped her from sleeping before was insecurity. Even though Rainstone didn’t sleep that night, she knew that once she started believing that she was a good RiverClan warrior, she would thrive when she was awake and in her dreams.